Through The Looking Glass

14 year old me, 9th grade, East High School

As children, none of us witness addiction, abuse and poverty and desire that as an outcome in adulthood. Yet children learn through mimicking the adults in their environment, so it goes without saying that the people we grow up around shape our ideas of what kind of people the world is made of. How we are treated by them forms an idea of our own place in it. While every family has natural ups and downs to deal with, children raised in stable, safe, secure environments develop feelings of acceptance and belonging which allows them to become capable and often substantial members of society. They have the ability to do whatever they want, from going to college and becoming the CEO of a billion dollar software company to becoming a New York Times bestselling author and blogger. Whatever they can conceive themselves doing; their family and friends support with positive energy and whatever is needed to assist their beloved in getting to their dreams. They are told they can do it and they believe they can.

Children brought up in disheveled, broken homes with drug addicts and alcoholics as their role models often grow up feeling like have nots and believing we don’t deserve the good life that regular people have, no matter how much we want it. Many grow up to create lives of chaos and disorder, unable to even fathom a “normal” existence, mimicking the negative behavior and situations we grew up in. Passing it on generation to generation. Then there are those of us who saw enough disaster as children to choose the complete opposite and struggle to swing into the light of day. We get away from our captors as soon as we can and strive to create a new life with new rules and infinite possibilities. We get jobs, go to college, try to do what everyone does. But deep down we are pretending to be okay while struggling with feeling like we don't belong in the same circumstances and situations as regular folks. Until we confront and overcome the lies and abuse we experienced as children, we are unable to be adults capable of manifesting a truly substantial existence.

I was a positive thinker at a very young age despite my unsavory surroundings. I somehow knew that I wasn’t born for lifelong suffering; I was born to break free from it. I’m not sure what it was but I knew there was a world where constant drama was not the focus of reality. I knew that as soon as I could get away from the circus my mom ran, I’d be on my way to being a contributing voice in this world and would live this life the way I wanted to live it. And I did just that. In 9th grade I got a job at a downtown cafe and worked after school and weekends. By this time my mom had been busted for prostitution in several states and was a year into her bargain of drug and alcohol rehabilitation for my sake (nice judge). We had just moved out of the program’s house into our own place and I couldn’t stand to be around her. Suddenly she was sober and was trying to discipline me, while all these years I’d not only been her caretaker but my own as well. She couldn’t tell me shit. My way of rebelling was getting out of the house and earning an income in order to get away from her forever. There was nothing out there that could hurt me more than what I’d gone through with her. I was fearless about my entry into the world of the living.

I’m having a moment writing this… thinking of my own daughter who is now 14. The same age I was, trying to figure out how to get away in the name of self preservation. I can’t imagine my little girl feeling trapped and hopeless in the reality I’m responsible for providing to her. I can’t imagine her working tirelessly to get as far away from me as she could in order to finally feel safe. That would just destroy me to know that I had failed her in such a detrimental way. I’m so grateful to have become a parent who strives to give the children what I didn’t have. That begins with my devoted presence and protection, but I digress…

My point is, I went out into the world and have accomplished things I never thought possible, yet have not been capable of bringing my talents to fruition...

I believe that without the love and support of family and friends, people wither away. No one can do it alone; whatever “it” is. I have succeeded as a poet and musician, made a dent in beauty care with my shea butters, and always had the ability to create beautiful jewelry and apparel and get it featured in designer boutiques. I have paid my bills, kept a job or two at a time, had a nice, clean home; I have survived. I even earned a couple degrees at a prestigious college while raising two incredible daughters as a single parent. Yet none of my endeavors have resulted in long term success because I had no idea how to succeed. That’s not the reality I was exposed to. So there was only a certain level I could rise to before I was trying to figure something else out: to survive.

Just being aware of the fact that I've been stuck in survival mode has helped me step out of the loop. Through this process I am learning to understand myself and how I’ve lived in a state of dissociation just to get by. This whole journey is really me trying to figure out how to rewire my brain to move past just surviving and find a place of feeling truly stable in the world. For the sake of being able to pass on the confidence and self worth I had to find on my own, to my daughters. And the opportunity for success that comes with that foundation so they have a qualifying chance at a decent life. They are worth this good fight and so am I.